Grief and Gratitude
As we head into this holiday weekend and the larger holiday season, there may be reminders and moments of grief for many of us. Holidays have many emotions surrounding them, and can especially bring out our feelings of grief. It can remind of us of lost loved ones, or experiences that did not turn out how we wanted or expected them to, it can be a reminder of missed goals, or changed life circumstances. It can also bring about feelings related to larger cultural grief and feelings of the dual meanings of holidays like Thanksgiving. While some have memories of joyful family gatherings full of food, others in our lives may associate this holiday with generational oppression, or a lack of sustenance, friend or family conflicts that have not been resolved. There are so many experiences that color this season.
The context that Francis Weller gives grief in the quote above is incredibly powerful to remember if you find yourself flooded with grief this time of year. Grief is one feeling that we often to try to repress or push down, particularly when a holiday calls for us to be joyful or happy. But, the idea that we don’t have to only experience grief, or only gratitude, that we can hold grief and gratitude side by side, can be freeing. By allowing ourselves to experience them together, we are giving ourselves the opportunity to expand and increase our compassion. The grief and the gratitude balance one another, and in turn empower us to become better and more balanced in our bodies and our lives.
While we prepare to gather together, or spend this holiday solo, it is important to acknowledge your feelings whatever they are, and give yourself permission to feel them. It is also important to hold space for those around us who may have a different experience of this holiday and time of year.
In Imago, the dialogue is uniquely qualified for this holding of two perspectives. It allows us to not only express our own experiences, but to listen to, validate, and empathize with someone else’s unique point of view. It gives us the tools to focus on the “space between”, or the relationship we have with another person, and hold that relationship sacred. It is a tool that lets us own and experience our truth, while honoring the truth of our loved ones. So remember to practice mirroring (repeating back what you heard the person say) or ask to be mirrored should the subject of grief come up this holiday weekend. It is a powerful tool that can help immensely in moving through the grief with your partner or friends and family.
Here are some important reminders to care for yourself and your relationships this holiday weekend:
Self-Care
Care for Your Limits: Self-awareness is the ultimate form of self care. Check-in with your body often and make adjustments accordingly. If you are feeling overstimulated, take a break. If you are feeling under-stimulated, change your surroundings. If you need time to process your grief, take that time. It is ok and necessary to set boundaries.
Nourish your Body: Our bodies need our appreciation and kindness this weekend. Try your best to stay hydrated. Eat in a way that makes your body feel good. Try to use this as an opportunity to practice mindfulness with yourself. Eat how YOU want and need. It is your holiday!
Movement: It is easy to forget to move with all of the additional agenda items and if you are processing grief. Movement helps you ground your body. You can use your movement time to connect (Dance, Family Walk) or to escape (Solo Dance, Solo Walk!) If you are pressed on time, a quick 3 minute stretch can mean the difference between tension and ease. Moving your body can help your emotions flow and move through any sadness or frustration.
Rest: Anticipation and a long-list of to-dos, grief, loneliness can all affect our sleep. If you are having difficulty sleeping, try to work in some rest time when you can. You could take a quick cat nap before/after the festivities. If you wake up early to prepare, plan to go to bed early or sleep in the next day. Tell yourself it is ok to rest. Rest is necessary.
Breathe: Deep breathing gives our bodies much needed oxygen and removes carbon dioxide. It helps lower our heart rates, stabilizes blood pressure, and lowers stress. If you start to feel overwhelmed or overcome with emotion, find a quiet place to take some deep breaths. Your safety, happiness, and well being are most important. Make space for breath. Take space to breathe.
RELATIONSHIP CARE:
Replenish the Tank: The push and pull of holidays can wreak havoc on our relationships if we are not prepared. Try to start the holiday off with a full tank (both your relationship and actual gas tank if you are traveling ;) The fastest way to replenish your relationship tank? APPRECIATIONS! Start your day with an appreciation for your partner. If you have time to do a full dialogue, wonderful! If not, a quick “ I appreciate you for …” or “One thing I appreciate about you is …” Make eye contact, and mirror your partner, then switch.
Share Responsibilities: Make a Plan! Conflict can arise if the business of the holiday does not reach for some balance. Take some time to make a game plan using the Imago Dialogue and share the preparation process. Make a list of what needs to be accomplished and how it can be divided. You can conquer anything together! If one or both of you is too overwhelmed to share the load, discuss how to make the holiday easier. It is ok to opt out for your mental health. Don’t be afraid to make this weekend what works with your mental state.
10-Minute Check-in: Schedule a time to connect with your partner. This is important if you are experiencing deep grief. Checking in with your partner, letting them in on your experience and how you are doing is really important. This can be first thing in the morning before anyone else needs attention. You can schedule it during the festivities (set a timer on your phone to take a walk together) or schedule your check-in before bed. Make it a priority that whatever else is happening, you have ten minutes, just the two of you. When you make the appointment, keep the appointment.
Communication (Code Word or Signal): At some point, one of you may become overwhelmed, if grief is present it can become a flood and you may need a break. It can be helpful to establish a code word or signal that tells your partner you are in need of a break or are ready to leave the engagement. This should be a simple way to let your partner know you need take a walk or would like to shift. Both partners should agree on this process and it is helpful to process this with a dialogue should a conflict arise over the breaks.
Physical Touch, Eye Contact, or Caring Behavior: A one minute hug, squeeze of the hand, eye contact across the dinner table, or giving your partner a gift of a caring behavior can keep you connected during the holiday. Affection keeps us linked to our partners and helps us navigate our surroundings with our relationship at the center. If you are in grief and needing a life line to the gratitude side of things, a hug or hand hold from your love can be so comforting. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need with the comforting touch.
Remember, we are all doing the best we can with a lot of unknowns happening in everyone’s lives. Increasing our capacity for compassion by honoring gratitude and grief, giving those around us a little grace, and taking care of ourselves and our relationships can make a huge difference this holiday weekend.
We are sending love and gratitude your way.
Allison, Wendy, Bob, Jesica, Sulaiman, and Taylor
If grief becomes too much and you are overwhelmed, please seek out help from your medical providers and/or therapists.
If you are facing a mental health crisis, please dial 911 for help or call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.